This song


Yesterday I listened to a song that was a massive hit in Italy while I was having my chemotherapy (Sei nell’anima, by Giana Nannini). The last lines of the song are, “drop by drop, side by side”, and A used to say those words to me when I was feeling down and it always lifted my spirits. I had just started my chemotherapy and we went to a wedding and they played this song and I thought, “oh my god, I can’t do this.” I had a ‘moment’. A moment where I felt totally alienated from everyone around me. Yesterday I listened to this song and I felt the most profound sadness. Loss. I was blindsided. These are the wobbly moments that try to knock me off an already tilted axis. I remind myself to breathe. I remind myself that I couldn’t be the same after everything that has happened. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can. And that no one can ask more of me than that. But I wish I could remember how I felt before. I really wish that.

If I asked why

Did this happen

To me

There would be no answer.

This is the thing

That makes me catch my breath

The thought that this

Has no solution.

And all the hope

That I stored up

Tightly in my chest

Has evaporated.

And perhaps the thing

That makes me saddest of all

Is that I am forgetting who I was

Before this happened.

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