Bruised but not beaten

Now I’m opening that box and it makes me so sad. Nagging backache. Must be the weather (humid), my posture (terrible). Feeling a bit sick. Silently screaming when people hugged me. Visits to the doctor, a chiropractor, check-ups in Italy and England. Must be nothing. Thought they could see something on my liver. Scared. More tests. Nothing there. Relief. Burst into tears on holiday with my family because my legs felt funny. Heaved two 20 kilo cases home from Italy. Hips on fire. Unable to get up off the bed after a bone scan. Pills that made me awake yet tired at the same time. My GP saying “Well, you know why we need to do some tests.” Going on holiday with some friends and knowing the moment I got there that I wanted to go home. Falling over on the ice. More tears. Delays. Feeling a lump in my neck. “Well, it doesn’t feel cancerous.” Crying with pain at the hospital. “It doesn’t feel like bone cancer.” All the odds stacked up in a rather large pile. Hearing afterwards that people ‘knew’ it was cancer. But how could they know when I didn’t? But it was. It is.

Bravery is not a word

I like very much

In relation to my illness

Or the way that I live.

I’m not a soldier preparing for battle,

I’m merely soldiering on.


One thought on “Bruised but not beaten

  1. Can I say it makes a good read without appearing without feeling? What I’m trying to say is, you compose your thoughts well and chose wisely with words… that sounds like a critique without feeling!! Oh, I’m sure you know what I mean xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s